The totally unfair, please-God-let-it-be-okay kind of crazy....
I do love both of my kids, with huge ginormous chunks of my heart that I didn't even know existed until I felt that first flutter in my tummy from their movements.
But in all fairness, Alex has always been all boy, and there are certain things we will never "get" about each other. Like why Call of Duty is better than Halo. Or why I'm right when I try to tell him about girls. Or why his room smells like wet dog when he does nothing but hang out in there. He has always made me want to be more badass, like I should be a totally tough, totally cool mom. Even though he regularly reminds me that I'm not.
Kate, on the other hand, is totally my mini-me. We get to do things that Josh and Alex will never, ever relate to. Like painting nails and coordinating outfits and going to the theater and reading wonderful books and collecting the Twilight Barbies. Whereas Alex made me strong and tough, Katie made me all soft and mushy again.
Somedays, I feel like she's the only person in this house who sees me. The other two, being totally typical males, don't remember to ask me how my lunch date was or how my class was or if I had fun at the movies. Kate always does. So of course, I feel a special bond with her that the males in this house just won't ever get.
And tomorrow, I have to take this totally precious, big hearted, beautiful girl of mine to the neurologist.
I can't even breathe when I think about having to put my baby girl under one of those giant humming magnetic machines.
I can't even THINK that someone might have bad news for us. I can't even THINK about that.
Katie apparently sees spots. Not just when she stands up too fast or rubs her eyes too hard. All the time. Like, she pretty much lives in a kaleidescope world. Which we never even knew because she never said anything because she thought it was normal and that everyone lived like that. So when I asked her eye doctor if her "lazy eye" could be contributing to her migraines and visual migraines, he started asking questions which led to her telling us that she sees visual auras on people and floating colored images all.the.time. He looked at her eyes with a little more scrutiny but could find no reason to indicate that her eyes were causing this. Which means the mixed up visual disturbances must be coming from a misfire in a nerve or from her brain.
Which is why we have to go see a pediatric neurologist tomorrow.
And I am trying, honest to God, trying to be okay with this. Afterall, it's not getting worse so that should be a good sign. And it may turn out to be nothing at all, in which case, there's no point in silly worrying. And really, we have good health insurance and we will be proactive about taking care of her. Not to mention that there are families and children who are in much, much worse situations than this and I know I should be grateful that aside from this one thing, right now our children are healthy and well cared for.
But those words, all of those things I just typed, don't even sound true to me right now.
Does your child ever look more frightened and fragile than when they are in a hospital?
I hate it. I absolutely hate having to go through this. I am so scared and so worried to death. I am praying so hard for my baby girl just to be okay. My little mini-me, my ballet dancer, my artist, my sci-fi buff, my loving little girl-- please God just let her be okay.
And I have to keep this smile on my face, for her, because the last thing I want is for her to be afraid. I even told her that it might turn out to be some sort of cool superhero power! But my heart is clenched so tightly and at night, the tears are harder and harder to control. I have this huge crushing weight on my chest and I keep telling myself we don't know anything yet, at all, but that is part of the fear, so the weight just gets heavier.
This isn't something that I can run away from this time and until we get some answers (which will probably take a while) I can't let it go. I don't ever stop thinking about what could possibly be going on in her brain. Yes, I have tried researching it and I even asked a friend of mine, a pediatric nurse, if she had any ideas. She hasn't seen or heard of anything like this either, but has graciously offered to go with us tomorrow for support!
I keep checking up on her, at night, to make sure she's still breathing like when she was an infant. I check her balance, I ask about her headaches, I am constantly checking in to make sure she's okay. I, on the other hand, am turning just a little bit crazy. From fear. From panic. From begging God not to make me go through this if something is wrong and not being sure whether or not I can bear it. I cry and Josh tells me it's going to be okay but I'm not sure if he believes that or if he's just trying to be strong for me.
.... I don't know how to end this post. I don't know what I'm asking for or why I'm telling you all of this, except that right now, it's consuming me. And I know my friends and family and completely awesome random strangers do read this so, maybe, as this uncertain journey begins tomorrow, maybe you could lift us up to the Lord in prayer? And while we're at it, just prayer for the health of those whose names we don't have but who also need a prayer for life and health and peace?
Thanks for sticking with me,
Jen
Christmas Miracles... again, my brilliant epiphanies happen running around in circles on the indoor track
Okay, so honestly? I had drafted this big huge whiny bitchy post but thankfully, that got scrapped today. There are some personality conflicts with some friends and families, and it seems like the expectations of the Holidays can just make things worse.
So I put on a lot of miles this holiday weekend. 7.12 on Friday, 6.2 on Saturday morning (yeah, while everyone else was still asleep on Christmas Eve, Becky and I drove 6 miles out of town and ran back in. We wanted to run with the wind at our backs, so we had to go west so we could just run east) and 4 today on our recovery run. The 7 and 6 milers were to relieve tension and, ahem, the troublesome tightening of the jeans that comes with having cookies for lunch!
But today, even though I wasn't feeling so hot, I still went and met Becky at the gym for some indoor laps.
Even though I totally just got my own brand new Garmin and couldn't WAIT to try it out. But we had like 30mph winds with gusts up to 40 mph and wearing my new Garmin fighting 30mph winds vs. recovery run indoors? Yeah, I took the indoor option.
So anyway, recovery run as in, not recovering our legs but our spirits. The funny thing is that we both kept saying the same day of the holiday weekend-- OVERLOAD. As in, overloaded on too much noise, places to be, things to do, and STUFF- I mean piles and piles of STUFF- that the kids get. We both commented on how tired our kids were because they were just so overloaded, how tired we felt that morning because with the baking and the errand running we were just so overloaded. Our homes and our nights were just so OVERLOADED.
And really- this is our big complaint. That it's all TOO MUCH. We had TOO MUCH food and TOO MUCH gifts and TOO MUCH music and TOO MUCH TOO MUCH TOO MUCH.
I know you're wondering where I'm going with this. I'm sounding quite spoiled and ungrateful, huh? I know!
So I was taking Alex to work this morning and he says to me "Thanks for all of my Christmas presents, I loved everything." He's 16. and at 16, omg I was such a huge bratty selfish pain in the ass to my stepmom (who I texted and apologized to 15 minutes ago.). So it makes me wonder how I am so blessed to have such an amazing 16 year old boy who actually has graciousness and appreciation in his heart.
And with my own bitchiness sucking my own joy away, I began to think about how blessed I am to have such a neat kid and that I am certainly not deserving.
Then my friend Amy posted this on her Pinterest:
sigh.... and here we were complaining about being overloaded.
So, the Christmas Miracle in all of this? A change of heart. May not seem like much, but sometimes, miracles are like that. They seem small but make the biggest difference. A hardened heart becomes loving and forgiving and patient. A decision to skip all the Christmas mess becomes a decision to appreciate all that we have and pay it forward. Exhausted becomes replenished. Overload becomes gratitude for all that we are able to share and savor, not only at this crazy time, but all year round!
All of our best Christmas wishes to your and yours!
~Jen
Birth Control via Vampires.... Nov 18th, in which Jen just turns her music up really loud and runs loops of denial around the indoor track....
So my little girl has watched the Twilight series with me. Asking lots of questions along the way and me having to explain all the bad acting away and all the details from the books that make the movies incomplete. She's been a good sport about pretending to like them so we could bond over them. We even have matching Twilight and New Moon t-shirts.
As I counted down the dates to my hot date for Breaking Dawn, she kept asking if she could tag along, but as with any more mature movie, I told her I'd have to screen it before I would take her. Good choice. Because the whole plot involves Bella trying to seduce Edward in hilariously frustrating cringe-worthy ways and then, because she finally cries over it, he knocks her up and then all we talk about for the next god-awful-long-minutes is the fetus/baby/demon.
How's that going to go down for a 9 year old that doesn't know what s-e-x is yet? Because yeah, even though they tell you to tell kids the truth when they start to ask, I haven't.
True story, we had to go bra shopping (training bras because everyone else has them) and I broke into a flop sweat and had to ask my husband, Josh, to come get me, and bring vodka, from outside the dressing room.
So before we go to see this movie-- tomorrow afternoon-- I have to have THE TALK with my girl. You know, the one that forever divides you from your parents? The one you can't ever undo? The one that makes you blush furiously when people on screen even begin to kiss?!
Butdon't worry- the good news is that I'm pretty sure the disgusting pregnant mess that is Kristen Stewart and the horrifying gushy noise and bloody mess involved with extracting a half-vampire baby will emotionally scar her from s-e-x for a while so I will have handled both 'the talk' and birth control single-handedly.
You're welcome, Josh.
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